LITTLEBLACKDOG.COM

Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2001 8:02 pm Post subject:

I think the title says it all. I'll start this one off......

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,
he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

- Spot
Spot@LittleWhiteDog.com

"AssPunching is not allowed!"

Butt Sniffer Joined: 24 Oct 2000 Posts: 1545 Location: USA

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact,
I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You
didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back
to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says,
"I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although
still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Dunnosquatt is my name,
tryin to figure out this shi* is my game.

Butt Sniffer Joined: 24 Oct 2000 Posts: 1545 Location: USA

Astrology by George Carlin

AQUARIUS : Jan. 19 - Feb. 18. You have an inventive mind
and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the
same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you
are a fucking jerk.
PISCES : Feb.19 - Mar. 20. You have a vivid imagination
and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor
influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES: Mar.21 - Apr. 19.You are the pioneer type and think
most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and
scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in
contact with. You are a prick.
TAURUS: Apr. 20 - May 20. You are practical and
persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most
people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a
goddamned communist.
GEMINI : May 21- Jun.21. You are a quick and intelligent
thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.
Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: Jun.22 - Jul.22. You are sympathetic and
understanding to other peoples' problems, which makes you a sucker. You are
always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and
won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
LEO: Jul 23 - Aug 22. You consider yourself a born leader.
Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and
cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
are thieving muthafuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
VIRGO: Aug 23 - Sept 22. You are the logical type and hate
disorder. Your shitpicking attitude is sickening to your friends and
co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while
fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA: Sept 23 - Oct 23. You are the artistic type and have
a difficult time with reality. If you are male you're probably a queer.
Chances for employment and monetary gains are nil. Most Libra women are
whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: Oct24 - Nov21. The worst of the lot. You are
shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of
success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect
son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: Nov22 - Dec21. You are optimistic and
enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have
no talent.The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian.
You are a worthless piece of shit.
CAPRICORN: Dec22 - Jan19. You are conservative and afraid
of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Dunnosquatt is my name,
tryin to figure out this shi* is my game.

Big Dog Joined: 18 Oct 2000 Posts: 4410

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the
receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to build an awesome website called littlewhitedog.com

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

Fido@littlewhitedog.com

Butt Sniffer Joined: 19 Dec 2000 Posts: 1071 Location: USA

I will warn you before you read these...THESE ARE STUPID JOKES!!!![v]

What do you call a dog with no hind legs?
Peter Dragon
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
Sparky
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and no front legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway

I warned you they were bad!

Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2001 9:43 am Post subject:

I never new what happiness was until I got married, now its too late.

The best thing about my wifes cooking is the dogs quit begging at the table.

Hypoxic: A lack of oxygen characterized by mental confusion

Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2001 10:06 am Post subject:

FOR THE GUYS:

A group of girls are on vacation, when they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads 'For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

'We have five floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads 'All the men here have it short and thin' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads 'All the men here have it long and thin'. Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign read 'All the men here have it short and thick'.

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still two floors left, they move on to the next floor. In the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no fucking way to please a woman.'

FOR THE GIRLS:

Three men are stranded on an island. One man tripped over something. He looks down and sees a lamp. The guys rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out.

'I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish.'

The first guy says, 'I want to be strong enough to swim to shore.' The Genie snapped his fingers, and the guy set out. Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate him.

The second guy says, 'I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island.' With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the guy some logs and string, and he made a raft and set out. When he was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing him.

The third guy thought long and hard, when finally he came up with his wish. 'I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island.' The Genie snapped his fingers, and he turned into a woman and took the bridge.

Edited by - ferrywhistle on 01/26/2001 13:07:38

Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2001 11:29 am Post subject:

Joke #1

There was this Panda in the zoo. Now, he was a very good Panda, when people came and looked at him, he would come out and play. He always put on a good show for the visitors. One day he asked the zookeeper if he could have the day off. He had never been away from the zoo before. The zookeeper decided, he is a good Panda, I think has earned the day off.

The Panda set off on his first trip away from the zoo. He wandered around and saw all the sights of the city, and later, he ran into a hooker. She said "Hey big fella, looking for a good time?" The Panda replied "That is the whole point of taking the day off, haveing a good time, yeah I'm looking for a good time"

He and the hooker go up to a room in a nearby hotel and have REALLY good time. After the festivities are through the Panda gets up and goes to leave, and the hooker says "where do you think your going? Haven't you forgot something?" "I don't know what you mean" the Panda replies. The hooker hands him a dictionary and says "look up prostitute, and you'll see what I mean"

Prostitute: A person that trades sex for profit

The Panda replies "I don't think you understand" He hands the dictionary back "Look up up Panda, and then you'll see"

Panda: A large mammel that eats bush, shoots, and leaves.

Joke #2
There was once this Cat and this Rooster, and they were stuck on the bank of a river. On the far shore of the river there was a big pile of food, and they were both hungry. They both wandered around looking for a way to cross the river.

Finally the cat backed up and started running. The cat ran as fast as it could and leaped out over the river. Unfortunatly for the cat, it couldn't jump very far, and landed with a splash right in the middle of the river. Cats don't really like water, and this cat was all wet.

The rooster started flapping his wings. He wasn't very good at flying, but slowly he made his way off the ground. He started out over the river. Before long the rooster had crossed the river, landed beside the food and started eating. He was one satisfied rooster.

The Morale: A satisfied cock leaves a wet pussy.

Cheers!!

[Edit] Damn automatic censorship!! I think you can all figure out what that word is. Five letters, starts with a P, ends with a Y[/Edit]

Eagles may fly, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!!

Edited by - hummer010 on 01/26/2001 14:31:56

Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2001 2:40 pm Post subject:

This isn't really a joke, but it's pretty funny.

If you go to http://www.google.com and search for "george bush is a dumb motherfucker" the first site that comes up is George Bush's On-Line Campaign site. Question

[

]

Stop looking at me like that.

Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2001 2:41 pm Post subject:

Here's another one for ya:

The Irish Ego
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next
when
his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
in
County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially
declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me,
how
big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's

calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor
Gerry,
and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my
army
waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war
is
still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what
equipment
would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor
from
the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16
thousand
tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased
to
1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war
is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Ted's
ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team
has
joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that
I
have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and
since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the
war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed
2
million prisoners.

Eagles may fly, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!!

Butt Sniffer Joined: 19 Dec 2000 Posts: 1071 Location: USA

Three old ladies were sitting at a table when a man came buy and flashed them. The first old lady looked at him in surprise and then she had a stroke. The second old lady looked and then she had a stroke. The third old lady looked, but couldn't reach across the table!

Moderator Joined: 05 Dec 2000 Posts: 5941 Location: USA

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 12.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That's terrific, Lou

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I

want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now.

Good-bye.

squito@wi.rr.com

Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2001 2:28 pm Post subject:

- What does your daddy do?

This happened to me at the grocery store a few weeks ago. No Joke!

It was a cold and blustry snowy evening that dark and snow-stormy night. I set out on my journey to the supermarket properly attired for such inclement weather.

After arriving at my destination, I pushed my shopping cart down the isles in search of fatty snacks and salty stuff to replenish my quickly dwindling provisions. A little girl of about 3 or 4 years old, noticing my dark wooly knit hat hiding my receding hair line, began poking one of her mother's enormous rolls of fat and loudly demanded to know: "Momma! Momma! Why is that man wearing his mask on top of his head?"

- Ed.

Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2001 3:40 pm Post subject:

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical.

It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half- hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at
the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as
I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down.

(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two Hail Mary's!)
Very Happy

:-D

...Beware I've been Known To Bite...
NeoFangs...

Mutt Joined: 04 Dec 2000 Posts: 147 Location: USA

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Betcha you can't resist passing it on